1 Inclusive Question to Ask

I’m the intersection of a Filipino, living in America, and working for a Swedish company. More often than not, I’ll be in places or rooms where I’m the only different-looking person from the majority. I get lots of stares. I’m inviting curiosity and I get a range of questions from “where are you from” to “where is the aisle for diapers?”

“Where are you from?”, I have tolerated after some time. I somehow anticipate it when they start their smile, move closer to my personal space, and initiate a conversation. My answer depends on how long I have time to answer the question. The quickest one is, “I’m from the Philippines”.

The asking me “Where is the aisle for diapers?” or “Can I have the check please?” still stings. I can only control my reaction and not the actions of others, I remind myself. My reactions have varied:

• (60%) On a good day- I just answer the question straight away, “I don’t know. I don’t work here”, with a smile 

• (30%) On a bad day- I can’t help but ask back, “What makes you think I work here?”

• (10%) On the worst day- I roll my eyes and don’t answer. Then cry when I’m retelling it to my husband

You may say, “Joahanna, it’s not a big deal”. 

I’d say you’re probably white and privileged that you’re not made to feel that you don’t belong in certain places. It’s difficult to understand unless you experience it, not once, but constantly. You can stand your ground and& convince yourself that it’s not a big deal, or you can do the right and kind thing and& believe that it is a big deal for me. 

The only white thing about me is my name, Joahanna. I also took my husband’s last name because I wanted to; Thomas. If you only heard me speak and saw my name, I’m white-passing. So many times, when I meet a person for the first time, they would ask while offering their hand for me to shake in a higher pitch than usual, “You’re Joahanna?” after I already said, “Nice to finally meet you, I’m Joahanna”. 

Predictably, the next question is, “Where did you learn English?” to which I respond with also a high pitch, “Uhm, in School” and they come back with “You speak so well, I don’t hear an accent” at which I uncomfortably answer “Thank you”. If I’m not having a good day, I’d probably also inform them that the Philippines was colonized by America, which is why English is so commonly spoken.

You might wonder why my respoonse is mood-dependent?

Because it happens so often, the only thing different, is my mood when it happens. Often, I can tolerate it. Sometimes I succumb to being human and react. When you meet marginalized folks who make it a big deal, it's because you’re not the first one who did it to them; so many others have ruined it for you. Instead of becoming defensive when it happens - be curious and learn.

I also understand that it’s ignorance, albeit well intended, also called Microaggression. It may be that they don’t have someone close telling them how these questions make marginalized people feel, or that they have not been proactive to hear the stories of different people.  

The lesson here is: to open your circle to people who don’t look like you. If that’s daunting, read about people who are different, and watch shows about them, made by them. Thanks to today's creator economy there are stories out there on global and localized streaming platforms, where people from disadvantaged groups across the globe can share their stories.

And if you’re at the grocery store, it goes a long way to look at me if I’m wearing a uniform or name tag. Better yet, don’t be lazy, use your eyes, or walk to customer service and ask.

If you are thinking, “Gee, Joahanna, you look down on people who work at grocery stores?”, you’re not getting the point. Let me break it down: 

Example 1:

Setting: Any other places

Non-inclusive questions: Where are you from?

Real meaning: You’re misplaced here, how did you afford to get here?

Example 2:

Setting: Grocery Stores

Non-inclusive questions: Where’s the aisle for diaper?

Real meaning: You look like you work here because you’re brown. You would know.

TLDR: It hurts that you assumed I’m only meant for having certain roles in life because of the color of my skin, while white people don’t get questioned. It’s unfair. YES, people make mistakes. But after doing it once, go inward and ask yourself, "Why did I assume that about that person?"

I also acknowledge my privileges of being able to go to places where I’m the only person of color. I’m using that privilege to create awareness so more people of color have access and more privileged people be allies to others in my role as Director of DEI at the music tech Epidemic Sound. 

What then should you ask if you’re genuinely curious?

8 and a half years ago when I moved to America for a job, at my engagement party, where I met my fiance’s friends for the first time, I was asked, “What’s your story?”

I was so taken aback by the genuine curiosity that I took note that it was a different question than what I usually got, and it made me want to share. Wyatt, now my friend, didn’t assume. I felt he wanted to listen to my story. It was refreshing! Since then, I like that question so much, I use it every time. So the 1 inclusive question to ask is, “What’s your story?”

Examples:

• Hi Joahanna, what’s your story?

• What’s the story about you being afraid of lizards?

• Welcome to Epidemic Sound, I want to learn more about you, what’s your story?

• What’s the story behind your name?

• I’d like to know the story of you living in different countries

Often, we shoot ourselves in the foot by adding more words to the sentence, thinking it will make it better. 

The magnificence of allowing people to tell their own stories is you as a listener get on a journey and watch them unravel. Some people get taken aback that they have not been asked this question because all their lives, people have started with assumptions. It’s disarming, people start becoming vulnerable and open. You must have the time and patience to listen and you will have an incredible conversation. 

I learn every single time from my conversations when I ask “What’s your story?”. The experience fills me with joy. People suddenly become directors of their own lives. You won’t know which way it will go. People can share what’s top of mind, their work, their kids, their family, what they like doing or don’t like doing. It’s common to get a reply, “What do you want to know about?” to which I answer, “What is it you’d like to tell me?”. Then they smile, look up and start sharing. I'm in for a treat.

When I get asked the same thing, I share a filled life, and I get flooded with gratefulness for being able to tell my own story. 

We, humans, are obsessed with storytelling. The entertainment industry is a multi-billion dollar industry because people pay to read, listen, watch, and be immersed in great stories from all ages. Our histories have been shared through storytelling and we continue on. 

Each of us has our own unique and beautiful stories to tell. Let’s ask that of each other, let’s listen more to each other. Let’s bring that out of each other by asking more, “What’s your story?”